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My Mental Health Discoveries

For several years leading up to 2024, I was searching for a way to be thoroughly evaluated for mental illnesses until finally I learned about comprehensive neuropsychological assessments offered by specialized teams of psychologists. I can’t adequately describe how important this discovery was to me. Over the previous decade, I had discussed my challenges with various therapists, and even my primary care physicians, but I still didn’t feel like I had a strong grasp on what I was dealing with, or what to do about it. It seemed like everyone I talked to was guessing at my psychological state and what to do with me. For example, I remember being told by multiple clinicians that I definitely did not have OCD only to later learn that they were wrong. After my discovery of the comprehensive assessments, I identified a provider and got on their waiting list. Almost a year later, in my late forties, I completed the assessment which required several appointments and many hours of my time. The findings of the assessment included the following diagnoses along with detailed explanations and recommendations for each one.

• Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), Moderate
• Major Depressive Disorder, Moderate to Severe
  • Recurrent
  • Severe without psychotic features
• Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD)
• Social Anxiety Disorder
  • Social phobia, unspecified
• Panic Disorder
  • Episodic paroxysmal anxiety
• Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)
  • Autistic disorder Level 1 without language or cognitive concerns
• Other Specified Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)
• Other Specified Personality Disorder with Borderline, Avoidant, and OCPD Features

Before I completed this assessment, I had reached a tipping point where I found myself running out of strength in an increasing number of areas. I was spent and couldn’t keep fighting life’s battles. I was resigned to surviving through my vices and escapes. I was giving up on my life’s goals and any kind of self-improvement because it all seemed out of reach after a lifetime of futility. When I received the report with the diagnoses and recommendations, it was an emotional time for me because it helped me see myself in a new light and have more compassion for myself with respect to my lifetime of shortcomings and missteps. And despite there still being a long road ahead, I had a clearer path now, and the first glimmer of hope in a long time.

The Compounding Impact of Church Culture

Another consequence of the psychological assessment was that I began to recognize a connection between my mental health challenges and my experiences in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, which I believe to be God’s restored Church. I recognized two important things. First, my disorders had interfered with and prevented many of the ideal church outcomes such as marrying in the temple and raising a family. Second, my struggles were often compounded by Church culture which is not well suited to people with mental health challenges and can unintentionally leave them behind.

It may seem strange to you that I can believe it is God’s Church while also describing its flaws. However, I believe that God works through imperfect people, which means that His Church, made up of those people, is inherently imperfect. In His wisdom, He has chosen to wait for us to exercise faith, after which He harnesses that faith to bless our lives and further His work. He does not give us everything at once, but gives a little here, and a little there, and over time helps us learn, improve, and mature according to our faith and effort. This is true for each individual and for the Church as a whole. Church-wide changes occur as leaders faithfully seek revelation, and members pray for their leaders to be guided to the truth. In this way, the Church is maturing but it still has a long way to go. All of this is to say that the imperfections of the Church, its members, and its culture are not disqualifying. Rather, they need our attention, faith, and effort to continue improving.

When I talk about Church culture, I am referring to the attitudes that people have toward one another, the pressure that they put on each other to behave in certain ways, the black-and-white messaging of Church sermons and lessons, the false ideas that are unwittingly accepted and propagated throughout the Church, and so on. For example, when I was a teenager preparing to serve a two-year, full-time mission, the culture of the Church regarding missionary service was one of extreme pressure. This pressure came from my family as well as Church members and leaders. My parents raised me to believe that serving a mission was non-negotiable. I didn’t have a choice because it was a commandment from God. In Church settings, it was talked about in a similar way. This idea was so deeply rooted that I never seriously considered the idea of not going. In those days, whenever someone chose not to go, was not endorsed, or came home early, it was almost considered an unforgivable sin or a permanent stain, and that person was viewed and treated differently from then on in Church circles. If I had stayed home for any reason, I believe my family would have been mortified and ashamed to show their faces at Church. I’m not sure how they would have treated me in that scenario. As for myself, I believe I would have been devastated and I’m not sure what the consequences would have been.

The cultural pressure was not just about whether to serve a mission. It was also about serving “honorably.” Serving an honorable mission (based on obedience, hard work, faith, sacrifice, etc.) was the subject of many, many Church and family discussions. I was literally taught that every future blessing depended on how I conducted myself during this two-year period. The blessings that were tied to my mission included the attractiveness of my future wife, the success of my future career, my happiness and prosperity, and any other blessing you can think of. Conversely, it was implied that falling short of an honorable mission in any way would lead to an unblessed life without these ideal outcomes. Looking back, I see another contributing factor. I cannot recall the topics of repentance and missionary service ever being taught together. This omission contributed to the unspoken idea that it was impossible to repent of mission-related sins. In short, the culture contributed to perfectionism and a sense of unrepentability regarding the requirement to serve a mission.

With my psychological profile, the issues I described above were always going to cause me problems by adding fuel to the fire of perfectionist thinking, anxiety, and other challenges. I remember feeling terrified as the departure date approached, as I entered the MTC, and as I traveled to my assigned area, and I had no way out but through. I will save a more detailed summary of my mission for another time. For now, it suffices to say that it was overwhelming and beyond my abilities, and while I “survived” the experience, I believe it scarred and traumatized me. I made many mistakes, including things I considered sinful, and I came out of it feeling like a permanent failure. This feeling ate away at everything that followed my mission. I was supposed to re-enter the real world ready to show the Lord my faith and receive amazing blessings, but there was just one problem. My foundation was fractured. I was experiencing “mission failure” and it was eroding and undermining my faith, hope, confidence, and strength. As I proceeded through life, there was a fear inside me that everything I tried to do would fail. Every person’s psychology and path through life are different, but I’m confident that I’m not the only person who left the mission field (or never entered) feeling broken and uncertain how to put the pieces back together.

What to Expect from The Hidden Reefs

I deliberately started this blog post with a discussion of my mental health challenges followed by the culture of the Church because those are the main topics I plan to write about. I will say a little more about both.

With respect to mental health, there are many types of inaccurate thinking patterns and psychological disorders which interfere with and prevent us from achieving our goals. I hope to write about my own psychological challenges as well as those that I’ve observed in other people or learned about in general; not to be defined by those challenges, but to help us understand ourselves better, make sense of our lives, identify our unhealthy patterns, find real solutions, and get out of our own way. We are each unique in the sum total of who we are, but I’m confident that our experiences overlap, and I hope that I can capture how difficult life really is for many of us.

With respect to the Church, my intent is not to attack. I hope to strike a faithful tone even though I will often highlight problems. I have faith in Jesus Christ, and I believe in and respect The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. However, in my experience, some members respond to anything “negative” as if it constitutes apostasy or a lack of faith. I value positivity in general but that principle has been taken to such an extreme that when people raise sincere and valid concerns in Church settings, they are treated like they need correction rather than respectful listening. Even though it is sometimes received poorly, I believe it is important to voice those concerns and shine a light on the issues that need attention. In this way, I hope I can help the Church recognize the gaps in its support of those who struggle, improve its culture and environment for everyone, provide real help to more people, and leave fewer people behind.

To give you a small glimpse of some of the subjects I’m tackling, I’ve listed a few half-baked titles.

• Why I Can’t Have Fun
• Finding Purpose in My “Failed” Life
• Getting Help Is a Journey
• Accepting My Differences
• Unmet Needs: What Would Have Helped Me
• The Hidden Depths of Other People
• Being a Safe Person
• Doing Harm with Standard Agendas
• Needing Nuance: The Missing Pieces of Gospel Messaging
• When Failure Feels Unrepentable
• The Struggle to Discern God’s Voice
• The Missionary Machine
• Eternal Marriage: Did I Get It Right?
• Why People Feel They Don’t Belong
• Helping People Harmed by the Church

In summary, I believe that God wants me to use the challenging experiences of my life to help other people who struggle. I will attempt to share digestible pieces, divided between different time periods or categories of my life, and make recommendations that would have helped me and might help other people to have better experiences or outcomes. Ultimately, I want to help people who feel misunderstood, exhausted, alone, or defeated to find a reason for hope.